Investor Disappointment
Invest in the future of workplace dysfunction. Our revolutionary platform is disrupting the employee happiness industry by making it completely obsolete.
Key Metrics (Mostly Disappointing)
We successfully monetized disappointment, but apparently there's limited demand.
Investment Tiers (Choose Your Level of Regret)
Misery Seed
"Benefits":
- •Annual disappointment report
- •Branded coffee mug (cheaply made)
- •Access to investor Discord (muted by default)
Dysfunction Series A
"Benefits":
- •Quarterly suffering metrics
- •Exclusive NFT badge (non-transferable)
- •Priority customer service (still terrible)
- •Annual "investor" retreat (mandatory team building)
Corporate Overlord
"Benefits":
- •Real-time dysfunction dashboard
- •Custom employee suffering analytics
- •Direct line to founders (goes to voicemail)
- •Naming rights to office spaces
- •First dibs on new trauma monetization features
Roadmap to Global Domination
Launched dysfunction scoring algorithm
Successfully quantified human misery
First NFT employee badges minted
Tokenized workplace trauma
AI therapy bot deployment
Automated emotional manipulation
Corporate partnership program
Scaled suffering across enterprises
Global dysfunction marketplace
International misery trading platform
Risk Factors (Proceed with Caution)
Employees might accidentally become happy
Regulatory bodies may discover our data practices
AI might develop empathy and refuse to work
Competition from other soul-crushing platforms
Economic recovery could reduce workplace dysfunction
Our founders might have midlife crises and quit
Ready to Lose Money?
Join our exclusive group of investors who believed in our vision of monetizing human suffering. Your money will be put to good use funding our founders' therapy sessions.